I Could Do Better

Excerpts from a much longer article by John Gottman.

... What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to .. couples was trust and betrayal. I started to see their conflicts like a fan opening up, and every region of the fan was a different area of trust. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?

.... In a second study, we tried to find out how this could be. And we discovered that if a wife trusts her husband, both of their blood consistently flows slower—not only during their conflict discussion but at other times as well. That’s associated with better health and a longer life.


.... [The] the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement. [We can break] this down with the acronym ATTUNE, which stands for:

• Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
• Turning toward the emotion;
• Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
• trying to Understand your partner;
• Non-defensive responses to your partner;
• and responding with Empathy.

By contrast, the atom of betrayal is not just turning away but doing what Caryl Rusbult called a “CL-ALT,” which stands for “comparison level for alternatives.”

What that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, “I can do better. Who needs this? I’m always dealing with her negativity. I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.
 

How To Listen

99.999 percent of the population doesn't know this but I am about to share a secret with you that may well change your life and that of those around you.

How do most people listen to another person speak? Everything the person says immediately passes through the prism of their own opinions and experiences and is thus received. THAT IS NOT TRUE LISTENING.

Somebody says to me "I believe that women and men are really the same thing and have the same purpose in life." I will instantaneously think "This person is nuts! Women and men are physiologically, psychologically, existentially and every other "ally" [a favorite word of mine]different."

I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.

Somebody says "All the problems in the Middle East are the Israeli's fault." I will think immediately "This person has either just arrived moment ago from the planet Mars where he has been since birth, is off his meds or has potato knishes where other people have a brain. How can he believe such absurdity.?!"

I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.

My child says "My teacher is a mean person." [Not that he did. An example...] I quickly get defensive because I want him to respect his teacher and say "That's not true. He is a very nice, caring person."

I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.

My wife [ditto the previous brackets] says "You never help! I have to do everything around the house." I immediately raise my voice and start listing the myriad things I do around the house. "I watch the baby [when she is sleeping]. I take out the garbage. I put my dirty clothing within a 50 yard radius of the hamper. I even clear my dishes after I eat on occasion [such as when I reach a birthday that has a zero]! How can you say that??! BLOOD LIBEL!"

You know this is coming...

I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard her voice THROUGH my own.

So how does one listen?

First, in your mind decide that you will be totally receptive to what the other person is saying without any personal input. Completely be with the other person. Don't react cognitively. Then reflect back to the person what was said. For example - "You are saying that I don't help at all and that you have to do everything?" Try to understand what she said and reflect back that understanding.

Then try to go deeper. "It must be terribly frustrating to be married to a man who never helps. In the present situation you have the entire burden of the home on your shoulders. This must be overwhelming."

To summarize:

Listen, reflect back, try to understand the underlying feelings.

צלצול הטלפון

בעל ואשה יושבים בבית ומשוחחים. פתאום מצלצל הטלפון. בזריזות הבעל קם ממקומו ועונה לטלפון. מעשה זה אומר יותר מאלף מילים. אני לא יודע מי מעבר לקו, אבל דבר אחד ברור. יהיה מי שיהיה - הוא יותר חשוב ממך

 

 

באמצע התפילה לא עונים לטלפון שהרי מי יותר חשוב מבורא כל העולמים. קו מחשבה זה יוביל אותנו למסקנה דומה בקשר לבן או בת הזוג. אין יצור בכל האנושות שחשיבותו מגיעה לקרסוליה של בת זוגי

 

 

בפעם הבאה כאשר צלצול הטלפון יפסיק את שיחתם - תסתכל עליה בעיניים ותגיד במלוא הכנות והלהט " אני לא עונה כי לא יכול להיות שהאדם המבקש כעת לשוחח איתי הוא יותר חשוב בעיני מהוד מעלתך" - גישה זו תבטיח כי תראה שלום באהליך

Learning From The GPS

An insight of a wise lady.....

My husband is driving the car and another WOMAN is telling him what to do and HE LISTENS. He turns on the GPS and whatever the woman tells him, he listens!! When I tell him what to do he looks at me with fury and screams "Don't tell me what to do!" [My note - Many men don't like to be told what to do and particularly how to drive:-)] But when this women speaks - he follows EVERYTHING she says! What is the secret?

The secret of the GPS is that she speaks softly and sweetly. "At 200 feet turn left" "Two blocks down turn right". Always in a pleasant voice.

When he makes a mistake she doesn't scream at him but says calmy "now regrouping".

So ladies - if you want your husbands to listen, learn from Ms. GPS.

Speak softly, sweetly and patiently.  

Forever Growing In Love

Today I sent an email to a friend about the importance of love.

I dedicate this to him and hope that this quote resonates with him and the many others who read it.

In discussing love, it would be well to consider the following premises;

One cannot give what he does not possess. Too give love you must possess love.
One cannot teach what he does not understand. To teach love, you must comprehend love.
One cannot know what he does not study. To study love, you must live in love.
One cannot appreciate what he does not recognize. To recognize love you must be receptive to love.
One cannot have doubt about that which he wishes to trust. To trust love you must be convinced of love.
One cannot admit what he does not yield to. To yield to love you must be vulnerable to love.
One cannot live what he does not dedicate himself to. To dedicate yourself to love you must be forever growing in love.

Leo F. Buscaglia

Source: Love : What Life Is All About, Page: 36

I Love You

Aren't those beautiful words?

They ARE. But words are LITERALLY hot air.

If you really love someone - SHOW IT!

How?

Great question.

The answer is the same as the answer to the question of "What type of boy/girl should I marry?" "What should I do for a living?" "What flavor of Ice Cream should I buy?" [Huge question!] Answer - individual. What I looked for in a wife [a girl who was willing to marry someone out-of-the-box-off-the-wall-chassidishe-litvak-sit-down-comedian-blogger-rosh-kollel-recovering-sportsaholic-with-no-concept-of-time-and-little-patience-for-most-things] is not what you will look for in a wife.

Love is individual. Find out what makes your mother-father-brother-sister-wife-husband-child-bubby-zeide feel loved and act accordingly. If you say it and don't show it, then, as the line goes in Rabbinic literature העיקר חסר מן הספר - The most central element is missing.

A quote we've all heard...

"ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS"

From Diapers To Marriage

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

Ladies!!! Please! If you are married you probably noticed some things about your husband which are not to your liking and you would like to change.

Despair is usually not a good thing to have. In this instance it is! Give it up. He is who he is.

Step #2: But you are annoyed! What do you do? OHHHH, can't cover that in one post. But one small piece of advice. Find out from your husband what YOU CAN DO to make him happy. Then consistently do those things. MAKE HIM FEEL LOVED. He needs it. Ask for nothing in return. As he gets more loving and appreciative of you, drop subtle hints as to what makes YOU happy. If he is a mentsch he will not disappoint.

Many make the mistake and think that by constantly criticizing they will get the spouse they want.

BIG MISTAKE.