Excerpts from a much longer article by John Gottman.
... What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to .. couples was trust and betrayal. I started to see their conflicts like a fan opening up, and every region of the fan was a different area of trust. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?
.... In a second study, we tried to find out how this could be. And we discovered that if a wife trusts her husband, both of their blood consistently flows slower—not only during their conflict discussion but at other times as well. That’s associated with better health and a longer life.
.... [The] the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement. [We can break] this down with the acronym ATTUNE, which stands for:
What that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, “I can do better. Who needs this? I’m always dealing with her negativity. I can do better.”
Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.
... What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to .. couples was trust and betrayal. I started to see their conflicts like a fan opening up, and every region of the fan was a different area of trust. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?
.... In a second study, we tried to find out how this could be. And we discovered that if a wife trusts her husband, both of their blood consistently flows slower—not only during their conflict discussion but at other times as well. That’s associated with better health and a longer life.
.... [The] the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement. [We can break] this down with the acronym ATTUNE, which stands for:
- Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
- Turning toward the emotion;
- Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
- trying to Understand your partner;
- Non-defensive responses to your partner;
- and responding with Empathy.
What that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, “I can do better. Who needs this? I’m always dealing with her negativity. I can do better.”
Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.
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