The Risks Of Closeness

Continuing the thought from today's earlier post....

It is important to accept the sometimes sad realities of life because in accepting and embracing them we grow. One of the realities of life is that people are going to hurt you. The more sensitive and self aware you are - the deeper the pain. Good friends are going to let you down. Your parents, with all of their good intentions, are invariably going to hurt you. They are not perfect and in our childlike way we would like them to be. Our siblings will hurt us and so will our children. I sometimes wonder, when a child of mine is not exactly [or even close to] doing what I asked "But you only exist because of me??! I am the closest thing to Hashem Himself for you [not my words but those of Chazal]! And after all I have done for you?!!". They don't exactly see it that way.... It hurts.

And of course the person who will hurt you the deepest will probably be your spouse. The closer the relationship, the greater the likelihood for pain. There is nobody closer than one's spouse. The pain of a divorce is precisely because the couple was once in love and so close, so now the pain of the distance and vitriol is almost unbearable. Even when a couple is fortunate enough to remain married there are often deep feelings of pain. The expectations are so high and are invariably not met. Ouch:).

Our job is to try our best not to hurt others. We have no control over others but all of the control over ourselves.

Think about it beloved friends and tell me what you think. I don't need emails telling me how wonderful the blog is. I DO appreciate hearing what people think because I learn more that way.

My Erswhile Good Friend

[Erstwhile means "former". I never want to read an essay when I don't even understand the title so I define for those who aren't familiar with the word:)].

When I was in High School, I suddenly disappeared from school. Nobody knew where I went [with the possible exception of myself]. My chemistry teacher [I am told] would call out my name when taking attendance, "Ehrman" and there would be no answer. "Where is that Ehrman? It's been three months!"

Where I went is not the topic of this post but I can ASSURE you that it wasn't to drug rehab. Despite its popularity in the general population and specifically in Modern Orthodox schools, I never tried drugs. My yetzer hara at that time was to watch many hours of college basketball and not to fry my delicate brain with foreign substances. I also didn't go to a Buddhist shrine in India. Worshipping idols just never managed to catch my fancy. BARUCH HASHEM!!

Anyway, I was in a large grade of maybe 100 or so students and was well known. I was not the quiet, introverted sort by any stretch of the imagination. Yet, of all of my friends, only one troubled himself to pick up the phone to find out what happened to me and where I was. None of my teachers inquired either. The fact that this one friend cared enough to call touched me for many years to come. SOMEBODY CARED!

Fast forward about 25 years. I decided to fulfill a dream of opening up a kollel. Kollels cost a great deal to sustain and I needed help. This one and only friend has done very well in life. According to his website, he is investing close to a BILLION dollars. He gives a lot of tzdaka. He appreciates and supports Torah. I asked him to help with the knowledge that he could easily support the holy project for a whole year. We have been in touch over the years. Still good buddies.

Sum of donation: Zero. Not even a quarter that one would give to a Mexican on the A train who is playing his banjo.     

When he made a Bar-Mitzvah for his son I made a great effort to attend and sent a nice gift. When I made a Bar-Mitzvah for my son he didn't attend. When I told him about the upcoming simcha he made a face that said to me "Why would I care....." [I read faces and body language for a living....:)]

So much for that close friendship:). [I must add that he is a geshmake guy and thinking about him brings up positive feelings. Just because he didn't help my cause doesn't make him a bad person. But something tells me that our friendship won't be so strong in the coming years].

This experience [and many similar ones] drove home an important lesson for life: People usually don't care about you nearly as much as you care about yourself.

The explanation is as follows: Every person is at the center of his universe from his day of birth. We love and care for ourselves without end. For example, my neighbor is, nebach, heavily in debt. I Baruch Hashem am not. I shamefully admit that I lose no sleep over his problems. I feel badly for him but am still sleeping. In contrast, the VERY THOUGHT of the eventuality of myself being in debt is enough to rob me of sleep and much good cheer.

When I am having trouble with a child of mine, I have trouble sleeping and my waking hours aren't so pleasant either. The fact that so many other people I know are having trouble with their children may bother me a little but not enough to put a damper on my day. The reason for this is because I am at the center of existence and my children, as extensions of me, are as well.

The Rambam rules [Hil. Talmud Torah 5/12] that a teacher must love his students as much as he loves his own biological children. I can't say I have ever had such a teacher nor have I ever seen a teacher of any of my children whom I felt felt loved my child even a small fraction of the amount that I love them. People are just not connected to others as much as they are to themselves.

When I attend a wedding of a third cousin through marriage I am going to be a lot less happy than when I attend the wedding of my best friend. The reason is that I feel more connected to my friend and since I view the world through the prism of my existence, I naturally feel more joy when the simcha relates more to me.

If I would have had enough money to single handedly fund my project, I would have happily done so. In my universe, that would have been as basic as paying for my groceries. In my world, this project was of critical importance. In my friend's world - I was just another annoying schnorrer.

That is the dynamic whenever you have one person asking and another giving. For the asker - his success in life [and possibly food on the table] is on the balance scales. For the giver - it is another unjustified request for his hard earned funds. He might give but would be much happier if he hadn't been asked. The proof is that if he hears about it and is NOT directly asked he will usually not give. That is why every Rosh Yeshiva must close his gemara and go from door to door and from office to office. Every frum Jew knows that the Mir Yeshiva has a huge yearly budget but Rav Finkel Shlita must still make frequent trips to chutz la-aretz to ask them face to face. It is relatively easy to turn away a small man like me, much more difficult to do so to the Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir.

There is one relationship where it is imperative to place another person as much at the center as you are and that is marriage. Many people live their whole adult livese with their spouse and never quite manage to do so. This of course is the impetus for many conflicts. If my wife is at much at the center of my universe as I am then I will ALWAYS try to do what is best for her. If she is not then she will always take a backseat to me and feelings of tension will prevail. One has to work hard to make one's spouse feel that she is no less important than himself. [Ideally, one should have this attitude with everyone but this is such a high level that I won't even bother addressing it.]

Chazal said it in one sentence. אוהבה כגופו ומכבדה יותר מגופו - Love her as much as you love yourself and honor her even MORE than you would honor yourself.

When a spouse feels unloved, it is the beginning of the end. If you are not going to love her with the same intensity you love yourself - then who will??

Some food for thought....:)

Love and blessings!

Will The Real Switzerland PLEASE Stand Up

Switzerland is a GORGEOUS country, by all accounts. [I would go there myself if not for the fact that I am a guest in Hashem's country and I feel that it would be insulting to leave for no good reason. That was an "Aliyah minute", sponsored by Nefesh Bi-nefesh. Now back to our reguraly scheduled programming.]

When you get to the airport in Geneva you will be met by stern-faced clerks at passport control and garbage bins. That isn't so pretty.

If a photographer took pictures of the sloping hills and pastoral view and also of the garbage bins and angry people, which would be an accurate refelction of the country?

Both. To get Talmudic for a second: אלו ואלו דברי וכו ... in a sense.

Your spouse is Switzerland. She is beautiful. She also has a side to her that is less beautiful. She is not all bad nor all good. She is a work in progress. So is he. Have patience. Work together. Over time more of the beauty will be revealed and what is less than beautiful will be transformed.

IF you work. HARD. For a man that means learning daily mussar and engaging in introspection to discern what he needs to fix. For a woman it means going to shiurim from time to time and primarily working through her issues [possibly with the help of a close friend or Rebbetzin].

[Based partly on the book האיש מקדש page 102-103]     

Late Again

You are so excited! You are about to close a deal on your apartment which is now going for 200,000 dollars more than you bought it for only one year ago. [As an aside, if you have extra money lying around, investing in an apartment in Israel will almost definitely net you a tremendous profit in a short amount of time. But take the advice of a person like myself who sits and learns and understands nothing of the world of finance with a grain or more of salt. If I tell you pshat in a Rambam that would be more my territory. But take that with some salt as well:)]. You need your wife there to sign. Your parents came in from America to be there as well [they bought you the apartment so they deserve to be there for the selling]. Your in-laws drove an hour and a half from Ramat Beit Shemesh. The lawyers from both sides came. And of course the wealthy buyers from America. You BEGGED your wife to come on time. 8pm sharp.

8pm comes and goes. You call her cellphone. No answer. 8:30. 9. Constant calls to her cellphone are received with "the A.T. and T. customer you are trying to reach is presently unavailable". ARRRGGHHHH! 9:30. People are beginning to get restless. The cake and coffee has been consumed. The conversation is becoming forced and contrived. You feel the anger building up inside of you. You begin to recall other times when her lateness caused you discomfort. But this takes the CAKE [which as I said has already been consumed]. At 10pm everybody leaves. You are afraid that the sale is off. People don't like to be inconvenienced and there are other apartments available. 11pm. Oh boooy, when she comes home is she going to hear about it!!

11:30pm. The phone rings. "Hello, I am a nurse at the emergency room at Shaarei Tzedek Hospital. You wife fell and broke her leg and lost consciousness when she was running to come on time for your appointment. She just woke up in tremendous pain and is begging for you to come be with her."

SUDDENLY, all of your anger dissssssaaaaapaaatteeessssssss. You no longer care very much about the buyer, the apartment, the lawyers and the money. You are no longer angry at your wife Why? What changed?

An irresponsible person makes you ANGRY. A person in distress engenders EMPATHY. Your wife is now [lo aleinu] in distress.

Let us translate this to daily life. Many of the things that anger or annoy us in our spouse or children should instead arouse feelings of compassion and care. They are having a rough time. How does the expression go?

"Cut them some slack".

Think about it:).

[Based on the sefer האיש מקדש page 97-99]

Speak A New Language

I learn a lesson about life and relationships from Shwekey.....

Shwekey sometimes sings in Yiddish. He is of Sefardic-Syrian descent. That is like me singing in Arabic. Incidentally - he also sings Sefardic songs. He sometimes sings with Ashkenazi pronunciation and at other times in the Sefardi pronunciation. Sometimes he wears a black hat - sometimes he doesn't.

Can he make up his mind? Is he confused??

He is NOT confused. He is a shrewd businessman [with one of the best voices EVER:)]. His task is to please the audience, so he sings whatever the audience wants to hear. He is happily willing to conform to whatever the crowd wants to hear. That is his job.....

How does this relate to life? When you meet a person, try to determine what they want to talk about and talk to them about that topic. If it is a child - speak "Childese". "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Who is your favorite super-hero?" You meet a Bubbe - ask her about her grandchildren. Sitting next to a goy on the airplane? "How 'bout those "Mets'ese!"

This is actually a gemara [Ksuvos 17]. לעולם יהא דעתו מעורבת עם הבריות - A person should be "mixed in" with others. Explains Rashi לעשות לאיש ואיש כרצונו - To do the will of all. From the context of the gemara we see the importance of saying the right words to people.

In order to do this one must step out of his individual world of what matters to him and try to connect to someone else with a different mindset. Not easy but GREAT for fixing middos:).

If one can try this on his wife - HOW MUCH BETTER:)!!!

Novels Ideas On Preserving The Vitality Of Marriage

I am in the middle of reading a fascinating book on Shalom Bayis. It really provides the tools to having a happy and fulfilling marriage. The name of this book?

It is called "Ksuvos" [pronounced "Ktuvot" by those of Sephardic origin or those who attended Modern Orthodox day schools where there was an insistence on adoption of the modern Israeli pronunciation of words.] It was penned 1500 years ago by two great Sages named Ravina and Rav Ashi and it is a record of various discussions that took place in the study hall.

What are the guiding principles outlined by this seminal tome? Listen carefully...:)

Responsibility. Obligation. A sense of purpose. Dedication. Devotion.

Let me explain [even if you don't let me I won't know because I never know who is reading and how much:)]: A man is OBLIGATED to provide financial support for his wife both in life and after death [i.e. inheritance]. Let's say HE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT? In Modern-Street-Hebrew this is called לא בא לי. He wants to sit on the couch all day and immerse himself in the magical world of emptiness, affectionately called "Facebook". This book says: "SORRRYYYY. You have a RELIGIOUS obligation to provide for this woman, like it or not. Like her or not. Sorrrryyyy."

A woman has an obligation to take care of her husbands needs. For example - she must prepare his food. She must wash his dirty socks. Let's say SHE doesn't feel like it. She wants to sit in a hammock [the couch is taken] all day and read Robert Ludlum novels. Those are, pashut, gripping. A lot more exciting and riveting than looking at the yellow pits in her husbands undershirts and quite possibly also more interesting for her than deciding how much paprika to add to the duck she is preparing. SORRRRYYYYY. She is obligated. By willingly accepting his offer of marriage she has taken upon herself a lifetime dedicated to [among other things] pleasing this man, like it or not. Like him or not.

Let's get more personal. There is a certain aspect of the marital relationship shared only between a husband and wife. Just them. This book [which was codified by all later authorities and is part and parcel of daily practice] mandates that they are BOTH obligated to actualize this part of their relationship at certain times. There is room for spontaneity but there is a basic minimal obligation that applies to ALL COUPLES. AMAZING IDEA that the goyim have not yet discovered. Make the couple express love even when not feeling it so strongly [or at all]. This will FORCE them to invest their time and effort into enhancing their marriage. Otherwise, the marriage is liable to morph into oblivion.

There is a lot more but that is a little bit of what this book teaches.

I really think that this creation is an epiphany worthy of this years Noble Prize for Literature. "Envelope pleeeeaseeee. Druuummmmroooolllllll. Yes. Best book of the year.... Maseches Ksuvoooos by Rabbi Ravina and Rabbi Rav Ashi." Rousing ovation.

Remember sweetest friends!:) No religious man wakes up in the morning and says "I don't feel like davening today, so I won't". No religious woman says "I am simply TOO BUSY for Shabbos this week. Too much to do. Maybe next Saturday." In the same way, one must look upon his marital obligations. They are no less fundamental than other religious obligations.

IF one has such an attitude then the odds of him/her having a successful marriage improve considerably.

Think about it and tell me what you think:).

How To Succeed At Relationships

How does one reach a state where he/she has a successful marriage? The same way one becomes rich.

????

Most of the rich people I know worked really hard at earning money. It consumed them day and night.

If one wants to have a happy marriage then he/she must put it at the forefront of their list of priorities. The same of course applies to raising children. Not just another thing we do but a priority.