The Search For Happiness

There is no place where people are as short-tempered as on the road. They scream, curse and the blood pressure sky-rockets. [One thing I have noticed in my life is that it is ALWAYS - with rare exceptions - the other guy's fault and not the person who is driving in my car. Interesting how it works out that way....]

Recently my cab driver wanted to get through a certain road block but the security guard was giving him trouble. He was FURIOUS. FUMING. He screamed "אתה באמת דפוק או רק עושה את עצמך ככה" - "Are you really stupid or are you just acting that way??" Somehow - this argument didn't convince the security guard to let us through.... [This "gem" has been repeated numerous times in my house since then, sending everyone squealing with laughter].

Why is this so? Why are people most hot-headed on the road??

People feel as if they are missing SOMETHING. True happiness eludes them. Traveling is a way to somehow pursue that yearned-for feeling of fulfillment. Maybe if they go to that other place they will be happier. I often walk down the street and wonder where everybody is going. What were you missing at point "A" that compel you to go to point "B". People spend tremendous amounts of money and suffer many inconveniences, all to be in a different place [how much does a flight cost?]. Believe me, if people were really happy on the inside they would find no reason to be anywhere other than where they are.

When people are on this literal journey in search of fulfillment they are tense. Something is NOT RIGHT. They don't have the wherewithal to be patient and calm.

Marriage, all relationships, require the opposite. Calm, relaxed, at ease, PATIENT. We need to have the capacity not to turn assumptions into conclusions. To talk. To LISTEN. TO HEAR. To be ACCEPTING.

We have a lot more to say....:)

ועוד חזון למועד

The Dog Won't Let Me

The "Oilam" tells the following story:

There were once two guys walking in the forest and one of them was shaking with fear because of the possibility that he might be attacked by dogs and eaten alive. His friend told him not to worry. There is a sgula that has been proven to be effective that wards off dogs. One says the pasuk written about yetzias mitzrain "ולכל בני ישראל לא יחרץ כלב לשונו" - "No dog barked at the Jews" and the dogs will not touch him.

His fears were realized when a HUGE beast of a dog attacked him. With great distress he tried to escape. His friend, who was standing in the distance, called out "Why don't you say the pasuk?"

He cried back "The dog won't let me."

When one gets married, he [and she] often enters the marriage with a host of poor character traits. Anger, self-absorbtion, laziness, insensitivity etc. etc. He reads marriage books and even listens to shiurim on the ideal marriage, but when push comes to shove the "dog" inside of him won't let him practice what he learns.

The eitza is to buy a Sichas Mussar of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz and work hard on his middos so that the "dog" is exorcised from his spirit.

ספר האיש מקדש עמ' תמד

Correction

An [slightly edited] email I received regarding this post.

Notwithstanding the misleading phrasing of a fair percentage of the news sources I looked it up on:

The number of couples that actually divorced in Israel in 2012 was 10,694. (INN, JPost, Israel HaYom... in fact pretty much every news source I checked.)

And I'm becoming increasingly confident that 88,055 is the total number of cases of any sort opened with the בית דין, not only divorce cases. (Data: Ambiguous/does not state "divorce" cases when using this stat: JPost. Others who use that number explicitly state otherwise; for instance: "In 2012, some 88,055 new cases were opened in rabbinical courts, up from 80,636 in 2011. Of these cases, 9,045 involved divorce issues, 4,237 involved clarifications of religious status and 3,640 involved inheritance issues." [Israel haYom] 

And it's more than double the number of couples married in a single year (35,887 in 2010 according to Haaretz), so I suspect (strongly, but not absolutely) that whichever news source the rav read this on had misinterpreted the report from the Rabbinical Courts Administration.

 

End of email 

 

I saw the statistic on the news site Kikar Shabbat. Whatever the correct statistics are - even one divorce is too many. 

 

I thank the sender very much:).

Quotable Quotes - Laugh!!

“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow


"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown


“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.” -Minnie Pearl

"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson


“They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield

“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen


“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith


“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran

10 Rules Of Marriage

The Ten Rules Of Marriage - Sent by my mother:)

 

Rule 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Rule 2 Don't try to change your husband. The last time a woman changes a man is when he is in diapers.
Rule 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 
Rule 4 Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
Rule 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Rule 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Rule 7   Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Rule 8Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife. 
Rule 9
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery
Rule 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Over 88 Thousand Tragedies - In Just One Year

UNBELIEVABLE. It was reported in the news that 88,055 couples went to the Israel Rabbinate to register for divorce in the past year, up from from 80,636 last year. That means that in the last 2 years - close to 340,000 couples opened up files for divorce. In addition, even in the Charedi sector the numbers are rapidly rising. WHAT IS GOING ON OVER HERE???

There are numerous reasons for this phenomenon but whatever they are - it is tragic and disturbing news.

Parents And Spouses

What is Kiddushin? Kiddushin is the talmudic term for marriage. But how odd to use a word that brings up associations of sanctifying a korban to the beis hamikdash. I mean, no man plans to bring his wife as a korban....:).

Tosfos [Kiddushin 2b] explains that the essence of Kiddushin is that this woman is separate from the rest of the world and thereby bound to her husband. You cannot buy an object by saying "This sweater is mekudeshes to me". First you acquire it and only then it becomes forbidden to the rest of the world. Marriage is the opposite. First she becomes forbidden to the rest of the world [like hekdesh to the Beis Hamikdash] and only then she becomes set aside and special to her husband. This is expressed in the bracha made on Kiddushin. First we say שאסר לנו את הארוסות and only then והתיר לנו. First she is assur to the rest of the world and then she is bound to her husband. [In brachos we never mention what is ASSUR to us making the bracha on kiddushin an anomaly].

The Torah already defined marriage as יעזוב איש את אביו ואמו ודבק באשתו  - A man [and woman] must leave their parents and cling to their spouse. [I recently read an article where a person claimed that the notion of seeking "chemistry" between a couple is a modern phenomenon in the religious world. I ask: The pasuk advises us to "cling" to our spouse. How is it possible to cling to someone to whom you don't feel connected?! Of COURSE there must be chemistry].

נער הייתי וגם זקנתי - I have been around the block a few times [probably because I have a very poor sense of direction] and have yet to see where the intervention of a parent is helpful to a marriage [OK - I know of one extreme case which is the exception rather than the rule]. Parents and in-laws should stay OUT. The job of the kids is to keep them out. Don't share intimate details of your marriage with your parents. If you need to talk - find someone else. The job of the parent is to encourage the child to become independent, both emotionally and financially. That means that the checkbook should be open [when necessary to help the child stand on his own two feet] and the mouth closed. Parents are far too subjective to be helpful. On the contrary - they usually do more harm than good when overly involved.

If a girl is buying a new sofa and wants her mother's advice on where to shop or a boy is debating whether he should invest his extra money in the stock market or elswhere and his father is a professional money manager - these are areas where parents may be involved. But when it comes to the spousal relationship parents should be in the dark [unless the couple needs money for counseling or the like].

It goes without saying that the children must ALWAYS show their parents the utmost respect. [On shmatsabaitzlusa we have an article coming out on the topic this week אי"ה.]

When there is tension between a wife and mother in-law [when isn't there:)] it is the job of the husband to show FULL SUPPORT for his WIFE. When the husband complains about HIS mother the wife should NEVER agree and say that "Yes, your mother's picture SHOULD appear next to the word 'annoying' in the dictionary." She should rather validate her husbands feelings and then try to gently find some merit for the mother. The reason for this is that the son will ALWAYS love his mother. If he hears that his wife feels negatively about her then he is torn between the two of them. Not a pleasant situation to be in. He should feel that his wife loves him AND his mother.

LADIES - Remember. Your husbands are very sensitive. Very. Women don't have a monopoly on sensitivity. So be careful to try to always make him feel loved and cared for. He left the most important person in his life for you.

His mother.

ע' בקונטרס לחתנים מהגר"ש וולבה זצ"ל ובס' האיש מקדש עמ' תנג