Keeping A Marriage Alive And Vital

From a recent article in the New York Times. Thanks to Rabbi Rami Strosberg for sending.

According to studies by Barbara L. Fredrickson, a social psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a flourishing marriage needs three times as many positive emotions as negative ones. In her forthcoming book, “Love 2.0,” Dr. Fredrickson says that cultivating positive energy everyday “motivates us to reach out for a hug more often or share and inspiring or silly idea or image.”

Dr. Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but “very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one.”

To help get your relationship on a happier track, the psychologist suggests keeping a diary of positive and negative events that occur between you and your partner, and striving to increase the ratio of positive to negative.

She suggests asking yourself each morning, “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness.

My Interest In Cooking

Quite often I hear women [particularly those who reside in my humble dwelling] talking about food. How they prepared it, how it came out etc. These topics interest me slightly less that the color of the socks that the Defense Minister of Great Britain wore as a child. Recently, when I heard a culinary discussion taking place, I made a facetious comment indicating my "interest" in the topic.

My daughter, the Holy Gila Shoshana, said "זה לא מעניין אותך כי אתה לא מכין את האוכל" - You aren't interested because you don't prepare the food. I said "Gila, you're RIGHT! If I would prepare the food it would be much more interesting for me."

Why should this story interest YOU?

What is כבוד? What does it mean to respect your spouse?

To respect means to SHOW AN INTEREST IN WHAT INTERESTS THE OTHER PERSON.

I shouldn't be interested in cooking because my purpose is in this world is to be a cook. I should be interested in cooking because my wife is. That is KAVOD. What is important to you is important to me.    

Try it.....

:)

עי' בס' האיש מקדש עמ' עח

Another Reason To Stay Married

From The Washington Post:

Numerous studies are now revealing that children of divorce overall are less religious when they grow up, with clear implications for the vitality of the churches. In one study, two-thirds of young adults who grew up in married parent families, compared to just over half who grew up in divorced families, say they are very or fairly religious. And, more than a third of people from married parent families currently attend religious services almost every week, compared to just a quarter of people from divorced families. Given that about one in four of today’s young adults are grown children of divorce, and that more than 40 percent of American children are now born outside of marriage, how these younger generations approach questions of spiritual meaning and religious involvement will influence broader trends in the churches for years to come.

Continual Becoming

As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.

Leo Buscaglia

 

Source: Love : What Life Is All About, Page 116

Love And Faith

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

Erich Fromm (1900 - 1980)

Love Heals

You may seek companionship and warmth, for example, but if your unconscious intention is to keep people at a distance, the experiences of separation and pain will surface again and again until you come to understand that you, yourself, are creating them. Eventually, you will choose to create harmony and love. You will choose to draw to you the highest-frequency currents that each situation has to offer. Eventually, you will come to understanding that love heals everything.

The journey may take many lifetimes, but you will complete it. It is impossible not to complete it. It is not a question of if but of when. Every situation that you create serves this purpose. Every experience that you encounter serves this purpose.

Gary Zukav

Source: The Seat of the Soul, Page: 121

Change You

My 2 year daughter is cute [I know that I am biased...]. Beyond cute. She is now at that stage where she is learning a new language. It's called "English". In very original ways she manages to say things that make us laugh. For example: She'll say things like "Change you". She hears her mother saying "Do you want me to change you" and doesn't know how to say "change me" so she says "change you". Her brothers name is "Shmuli" but for her it's "Ulli". Another brother is Simcha whom we call "Simchal'e" and she transformed to "Galei" [I guess from the "chal'e" part of his name].

Why doesn't it bother me that my daughter doesn't speak properly? My son's name is NOT "Galei". "Galei" is a word in our shalosh regalim davening. "Galei kavod malchuscha aleinu".

The answer is that I respect the fact that she is two and quite enjoy it. I don't have very high expectations of her. When I give her something and say "Throw it in the garbage" and she does, I celebrate with her. I accept her for who she is.

We can learn from this a very important lesson about marriage. Your spouse is different than you are. Don't lament the differences. Celebrate them. Enjoy them. Your husband may not be as cute as a 2 year old boy but you can good naturedly laugh at his shortcomings. Humor is healthy. We are all human and are FILLED with shortcomings. They are quite comical at times if you think about them. You can laugh at your own, too. They don't HAVE to annoy you. You don't have to suffer or forgive your spouse for who he or she is.

You can also open yourself up and see that there are different ways of doing things and viewing things from which you are accustomed. Embracing differences and respecting people for who they are is an experience that will transform your life.

[The basic idea was based on האיש מקדש page 195]