Love - Temporary Madness

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Sweetest friends - when couples are dating they often feel "in love". This feeling NEVER lasts. One should be aware of this at the outset and just use this feeling of excitement to get him/her to stand in the SCARIEST place in the world - under the chuppah!

After the guests have left, the band has packed up their instruments, the checks have been counted and gifts put away [many of them to be rewrapped and passed on to a different couple] la la land sinks under the horizen and real life begins. The goal - to go from la la land to the Promised Land of intense marital satisfaction.

The test is - can one sustain a true lasting love. One does this by deciding that short of my spouses untimely demise, this marriage is going to continue. I am FULLY devoting myself to CONSTANTLY enhancing the relationship and LEARNING more and more and yet more about my spouses needs, wants and desires and then going about filling them. I am also one million percent NEVER going to look, think about or desire to have a relationship with anyone else, even though on the surface they may seem more desirable. This is my first and last husband/wife and I am going to make it happen. I am NOT going to wait for my spouse to do what he/she is obligated [from my perspective] to do for me. He/She owes me NOTHING! I owe her/him the most doting, loving, understanding spouse on earth.

OF COURSE both the husband and wife read this blog so the behavior will be mutual.

AYYYYYYYYYYY - Sweetest friends, so much work goes into making a relationship work and so much understanding goes into making it deeper and deeper. Some people never get divorced but their relationships are SHALLOW! I don't wish that upon you. That is why my Bava Basra is begging me to return and open him again and I keep typing away. I feel like I could go on and on. Sooooo much to say.

BUT - That is for another time bez"H!!!

LOVE AND BLESSINGS TO ALL and a special thank you to the many who have emailed me recently with input, which encourages me to believe that in fact my small words may be having an impact on somebody's soul.

HEEELLLPPPPP THE TRILOGY

Take divorce. Who gains from a divorce? The husband loses his wife. The wife loses her husband. The children lose a stable home and often suffer from great emotional anguish and have to go through therapy. Come to think of it - the husband and wife ALSO suffer great emotional anguish and require therapy. Who is bringing this anguish upon them?

Themselves.

AHHHHHH!

Why would someone do that to themselves and their poor guiltless children?

But they are having trouble getting along? Well, instead of splitting up they can both change! They got married for a reason. There are obviously qualities in the other person that each side finds attractive. That is why they married. Now that not such great things have come out they can work through it. People, rational people, can change.

Some say "I am no longer in love". MY rational mind says that one has no right to harm other people because "he/she is no longer in love". So be married anyway. Really. You don't have to be infatuated with your spouse. Also, love comes and goes. Today she isn't in love with him, maybe tomorrow she will be. Feelings are fickle.

OF COURSE there are instances when divorces are justified. Sometimes a spouse is abusive or unfaithful etc. Definitely. The rational mind says that in extreme cases a couple should split up. Some people are just unbearable to live with. But I am talking about regular run of the mill cases. In such instances people often act irrationally and split up. If both partners would be rational and resolve to make it work - it will.

So as difficult as it was to make peace between two one year old's it is no less difficult to make peace between two educated intelligent adults.

Actually - it is often more difficult.

So sweet friends - this was just an example. There are many more. Our job is to make sure that our logic reigns supreme and we therefore live lives of virtue, goodness and love. The mind tells the heart what the proper path is and the heart goes along for the journey.

The Mathematical Paradox

"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

Erich Fromm

Or a poem in the same spirit:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

SWEETEST FRIENDS! Many relationships are destroyed when one person tries to SMOTHER the other. This happens in marriage, between parents and children and sometimes even with friends.

"BUT WE ARE ONE!", she says. Yes you are one - but you are also two. TWO parts of a whole, each part contributing its unique talents and abilities to make for a blessed union. So, for example, if both the husband and wife go to learn at night, who will be with the children. If both the husband and wife do the dishes and laundry who will learn??

So noooooooo, I am not suggesting that the husband not do the dishes and that the wife not learn. CHAS VI'SHALOM! She MUST [in the year 2011] learn and he should do the dishes [unless he hires a lovely Spanish woman to do it] and help around the house. However, the roles of the husband and wife must not be blurred. They have independent needs, wants and responsibilities which need to be fulfilled.

Don't hold your spouse on a short leash. Give your kids independence.

Allow for people to develop in their own special way.

LOVE AND BLESSINGS!!:-)

7 Principles

John Gottman is THE world expert on marriage. A slightly edited version of his guidance. You are allowed to use his advice when pursuing marriage as well.

Below are his seven principles along with a few relationship-strengthening activities to try.

1. “Enhance your love maps.” Love is in the details. That is, happy couples are very much familiar with their partner’s world. According to Gottman, these couples have “a richly detailed love map — my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” You know everything from your partner’s favorite books to what’s currently stressing them out to some of their life dreams, and they know yours.

2. “Nurture your fondness and admiration.” Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. Gottman says that fondness and admiration are two of the most important elements in a satisfying and long-term relationship. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved.
Gottman includes a helpful activity to remind couples of the partner they fell in love with called “I appreciate.” He suggests readers list three or more of their partner’s positive characteristics along with an incident that illustrates each quality. Then read your lists to each other.

3. “Turn toward each other instead of away.” Romance isn’t a Caribbean cruise, an expensive meal or a lavish gift. Rather, romance lives and thrives in the everyday, little things. According to Gottman, “[Real-life romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”
For instance, romance is leaving an encouraging voicemail for your spouse when you know he’s having a bad day, Gottman says. Or romance is running late but taking a few minutes to listen to your wife’s bad dream and saying that you’ll discuss it later (instead of saying “I don’t have time”).
Gottman acknowledges that this might seem humdrum, but turning toward each other in these ways is the basis for connection and passion. Couples that turn toward each other have more in their “emotional bank account.” Gottman says that this account distinguishes happy marriages from miserable ones. Happy couples have more goodwill and positivity stored in their bank accounts, so when rough times hit, their emotional savings cushion conflicts and stressors.

4. “Let your partner influence you.” Happy couples are a team that considers each other’s perspective and feelings. They make decisions together and search out common ground. Letting your partner influence you isn’t about having one person hold the reins; it’s about honoring and respecting both people in the relationship.

5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Gottman says that there are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. It’s important for couples to determine which ones are which.
Sometimes, though, telling the difference can be tricky. According to Gottman, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.” Solvable problems are situational, and there’s no underlying conflict.
Gottman devised a five-step model for resolving these conflicts:

• In step 1, soften your startup, which simply means starting the conversation without criticism or contempt.
• In step 2, make and receive “repair attempts.” Gottman defines repair attempts as any action or statement that deescalates tension.
• In step 3, soothe yourself and then your partner. When you feel yourself getting heated during a conversation, let your partner know that you’re overwhelmed and take a 20-minute break. (That’s how long it takes for your body to calm down.) Then you might try closing your eyes, taking slow, deep breaths, relaxing your muscles and visualizing a calm place. After you’ve calmed down, you might help soothe your partner. Ask each other what’s most comforting and do that.
• In step 4, compromise. The above steps prime couples for compromise because they create positivity, Gottman says. When conflicts arise, it’s important to take your partner’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. Here, Gottman includes a valuable exercise to help couples find common ground. He suggests that each partner draw two circles: a smaller one inside a larger one. In the smaller circle, make a list of your nonnegotiable points. In the bigger one, make a list of what you can compromise on. Share them with each other and look for common ground. Consider what you agree on, what your common goals and feelings are and how you can accomplish these goals.
• In step 5, remember to be tolerant of each other’s faults. Gottman says that compromise is impossible until you can accept your partner’s flaws and get over the “if onlies.” (You know the ones: “If only he was this” “If only she was that.”)

6. “Overcome gridlock.” Gottman says that the goal with perpetual problems is for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” What usually underlies gridlock is unfulfilled dreams. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other,” Gottman writes. Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realize their dreams.
So the first step in overcoming gridlock is to determine the dream or dreams that are causing your conflict. The next steps include talking to each other about your dreams, taking a break (since some of these talks can get stressful) and making peace with the problem.
“The goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain,” Gottman writes.

7. “Create shared meaning.” “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids or splitting chores. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become,” Gottman says.
And that’s what it means to develop shared meaning. Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. In being open to each other’s perspectives and opinions, happy couples naturally come together.

FAQ'S

These are my answers to frequently asked dating questions. You may feel free to disagree with me....

1] Do I have to feel sparks? No. Sparks are for birthday cakes and notes on books you don't want to read. You need to feel attracted.

2] How attracted? Impossible to quantify attraction. But it doesn't have to be intense. Attraction DEVELOPS over time and AFTER MARRIAGE when the real "show" begins. Dating is artificial [althoughs dates are natural. The fruit that is].

3] She is pretty but I want gorgeous? Join the crowd. Most boys do. But gorgeous women get divorced daily [go to Hollywood. Or better - don't..]. Beauty can't sustain a marriage. As long as she is nice to look at that is enough. MOST girls are nice to look at if you have an ayin tova. It is better not to look. The "shmiras ainayim" thing. But for marriage it is required. A woman's [and man's] physical attraction develops as one gets to know the person better. A beautiful girl become ugly when she acts ugly. Look more at her character than her hair. Try to be less superficial. I am a guy too. I have noticed that my superficiality is as natural to me as scratching an itch. I wage a daily battle against that superficiality and hope I am winning. Join me.

4] When I am not with her I don't feel like I miss her? Not the end of the world. Do you enjoy yourself when you are with her? Great. When you are not with her your mind is on other things. IF you do think about her when you are not together that is a better sign.

5] I LOVE spending time with him. Is that enough? No. Make sure you can list concrete qualities that he has that make him worthy of being your husband. In the meantime you are possibly just enjoying the attention.

6] Her parents are divorced. Should that bother me? Yes. You should empathize with her. But she can still be marriage material. It is worthwhile discussing how she wants her house to look and what she learned from her parents failed marriage. Many wonderful marriages emerge from children of divorced parents. But one should make sure that patterns witnessed as a child should not be repeated.

7] He wasn't shomer negiyah in high school. Should that bother me? Only if he didn't do teshuva. If he did teshuva you know that he is normal. It is not normal to be shomer negiya. It is HOLY. Not every high school kid is holy - yet.

8] He doesn't read your blog. Is that a problem? I can't answer that question. I am biased:-)!!

9] I have more questions? I have to go to shul - sorry. Email or call me:-).

FAQ'S

Dedicated to all of the friends who flatter me by confiding in me about their personal relationship dilemmas.

Q - How do I know he [she] is the right one for me to marry?

A - You don't.

Q - When will I know?

A - At least a year after the marriage. Often many more years after marriage.

Q - So why should I marry him?

A - Because Hashem wants you to marry.

Q - But why a specific guy?

A - Because you see that he has qualities you admire, shares with you a vision for the future, you enjoy his company, you have heard good things about him from his Rabbeim etc., and there is a physical attraction.

Q - For how long should I date?

A - Not too long. It is against halacha. Long enough to determine that you have raw materials to create a beautiful, harmonious marriage. Then marry him and get to work [not at speech therapy or special ed. but at marriage]! But don't rush into it either. Speak to someone you trust before making the decision [but not a single friend].

Q - Why can't I know he is the right one for me before marriage?

A- Because after marriage many things come out that were unknown before marriage. Like how you act when you are pregnant or how he acts when you wake him up for minyan on Sunday and he wanted to sleep [not telling you to do it - just giving an example]. Or how he is as a father. Or how many dishes he does. Or how often she criticizes you AFTER she made the catch.

Q - Let's say I see after being married for a while that I made a mistake?

A - We don't believe in divorce unless there are extenuating circumstances. Make it work. Treat him like a king and see what happens. Take responsibility to make the marriage work. Go for counseling. Do anything to create a lasting bond. We don't throw away spouses like an old useless gadget.

Q- What if there is abuse?

A - Go to the police and get out of there.

Q - Is that all?

A - No. There is lots more but I try to keep things concise. I may add that you really need to daven that you get the right one. Marriage the Torah way is the most beautiful thing in the world - if done correctly.

Tug Of War

Tug Of War

Many relationships turn into a tug of war where each side is "tugging" in order to get their needs fulfilled. People do this, I believe, because by nature we are selfish beings. We need to be in order to survive. If we wouldn't care so much about ourselves we wouldn't do the things necessary to live meaningful and fulfilling lives. However the down side is that when it comes to another person we often are so focused on our own needs that we forget that the other person's needs are no less important. In this tug of war there are no winners, only losers.

There is a chasidic concept called "bitul". If practiced the geulah, both personal and national, would come. It means [on the interpersonal plane] that one nullifies his own needs on behalf of someone else. One wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "What can I do today to make my wife [or future wife] happy? What does she like? Flowers? A phone call during the day? Something else?" If not sure one asks "Sara-Rivka-Rochel-Leah-Chana-Roiza-Shulamis-Bracha, my wife with many names, what can I do to make you happy???" One stops thinking "Boy is she needy-annoying-clingy-demanding" and instead thinks "What an opportunity to make another human being a little bit happier!"

After practicing this consistently he will find that his significant other will be THRILLED to fulfill his own needs because that is what she really wants to do in the first place. So his initial motivation is NOT to get what he wants but it is the inevitable result of his behavior.

In English we have a word for this. It's called "relationship".

Try to have one today.

:-)